Should I Text My Ex? The 7-Point Checklist to Use Before You Hit Send

You’ve typed the message. Deleted it. Re-typed a different version. Deleted that one, too. Your thumb hovers over the send button, and a dozen “what ifs” flood your mind. What if they don’t reply? What if they’re cold? What if I sound desperate? What if this ruins everything?

Let’s be clear: it’s not just a text. It’s a move in a delicate game, and it feels like one wrong step could be checkmate. That fear and anxiety you’re feeling is completely normal. It’s a sign that you understand the stakes.

But you don’t have to live in that state of paralysis. This guide is designed to take the anxiety out of the equation. It’s a simple, clear checklist that will act as your filter. If you can’t say a confident “yes” to all seven points, the answer is “no, not yet.” If you can, you can hit send with confidence, detached from the outcome.

 

The 7-Point “Ready to Text” Checklist

This is your non-negotiable self-assessment. Be brutally honest with yourself before you make a move.

1. Have You Completed a Real Period of No Contact?

This is the foundation. A real period of No Contact means at least 21-30 days of absolute silence. No calls, no texts, no social media stalking. This time is crucial for you to heal and for them to feel your absence. If you haven’t done this, you’re acting on impulse, not strategy.

2. Are You Texting for the Right Reason?

Why are you *really* sending this text? If the honest answer is “because I’m lonely,” “I need to know if they miss me,” or “I need an emotional fix,” then stop. The only right reason to send the first text is to gently and calmly re-open the lines of communication, with zero expectation of where it will lead.

3. Are You Genuinely Okay with Being Ignored?

This is the ultimate litmus test of your emotional readiness. Imagine you send the text, and you get… nothing. Silence. If that thought sends you into a spiral of panic, you are not ready. You must be in a place where their response (or lack thereof) does not define your happiness or self-worth.

4. Do You Have a Good “Opener”?

“Hey,” “What’s up,” and “I miss you” are terrible openers. They are boring and loaded with pressure. A good opener is a low-pressure, easy-to-answer text that feels natural. We’ll cover some examples below, but you need to have one ready before you even think of texting.

5. Is Your Emotional State Stable?

Check in with yourself. Are you feeling calm, positive, and detached? Or are you feeling anxious, sad, angry, or panicked? Never, ever text your ex from an unstable emotional state. Your message will be tainted with that energy, and they will feel it a mile away.

6. Have You Removed All Expectations?

You cannot send this text expecting it to lead to a long conversation, a date, or a reconciliation. You must release all expectations. This one text is a single, tiny step. If you load it with the weight of your hopes for the future, you will inevitably be disappointed and come across as needy.

7. Is It a Good Time to Text?

Timing matters. Do not text them late on a Friday or Saturday night (it looks like a booty call or that you have no social life). Do not text them on their birthday or a major holiday (it’s predictable and gets lost in the noise). A weekday afternoon or early evening is often the best time—it’s casual and low-stakes.

The Real Goal of the First Text (It’s Not What You Think)

Most people get this wrong. They think the goal of the first text is to get a positive response or to start a deep conversation. It’s not.

The real goal of the first text is simply to “change the weather.”

Right now, the weather between you is silence. It might be cold, awkward, or tense. Your only job with this first text is to change that dynamic from “two exes who don’t speak” to “two friendly, mature people who can have a normal, casual conversation.” That’s it. You’re not trying to fix everything; you’re just trying to make it not-awkward.

Think of the Parable of the Ripples. A desperate, emotional text (“I can’t live without you!”) is like throwing a huge boulder into a still pond. It’s violent, it’s messy, and it scares everything away. A good first text is like skipping a small, flat stone. It creates gentle, curious ripples that expand outward naturally.

Good vs. Bad First Texts: A Quick Guide

Your first text should be a “softball”—easy for them to hit back. It should be positive, light, and require a simple, non-emotional response.

• Bad Text: “Hey.” (Boring, requires them to do all the work.)
• Bad Text: “I miss you so much.” (Too much pressure, puts them on the spot.)
• Good Text (Callback): “Haha, I just drove past that weird sculpture we always used to make fun of. Hope you’re doing well!”
• Good Text (Shared Interest): “Hey, the trailer for that new sci-fi movie we were excited about just dropped. Looks amazing! Hope you’re good.”

Notice how the good texts are not open-ended questions. They are statements that invite a response without demanding one. For a complete playbook of proven, effective texts, you might want to explore a structured system. Many people have found success with programs designed for this exact situation, and you can see our review of one of the most popular ones to understand if Text Your Ex Back really works.

Frequently Asked Questions